Mom Rage is Real
Do you ever want to pitch a big fit like your kids do? Maybe yell and smash some plates? Throw yourself to the ground? Is it just me? I didn’t think so.
Mom rage is real. We spend much of our time caring for others and censoring ourselves so as not to traumatize our kids. Our anger silently builds and builds like magma heading to the top of a volcano. Add sleep deprivation and realizing you have no dinner in the fridge for tonight and BOOM. You are erupting with lava spewing and destroying everything in your path. For an outsider watching, it looks like you are screaming because your child didn’t put their shoes on fast enough. But the real reason is a multitude of unmet needs.
Your physical and emotional needs as a mom are so important. If you find yourself broiling with rage and silent resentment nearly daily or maybe even minute-ly, it is time to sit down and make a plan on how you’re going to take care of yourself. You deserve to be cared for too. None of us wants to scream at our children or partner, and, to stop that, we need to take a step back and reflect. Here are some tips for listening to your anger/rage to get those needs met:
1. Miracle Question. Ask yourself, if I had a magic wand and could create a perfect day, what would that look like? Imagine what that day would be like from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep. Take this perfect day and try to see what is missing from your present reality. If you imagine yourself on a hammock on a deserted island, you’re probably craving some rest and alone time. If you’re imaging yourself at a girl’s wine night with a ton of friends, you are probably needing connection.
2. Journal. Write out those thoughts that you’ve been keeping in because your anger needs to be expressed. You also may find that by putting them in a concrete space, like an 8x12 piece of paper, they aren’t so overwhelming and infinite.
3. Re-evaluate your schedule. Maybe after the journaling and reflection, you’ll see that you NEED a night off each week, help with household chores, or a morning to yourself. Don’t sweep these needs under the rug. The rug will eventually bunch and then you will trip and fall.
4. Exercise! Our bodies need to complete the stress cycle and all that extra oxygen stored up in preparation to flee or fight needs a place to go. 20 to 60 minutes a day of exercise will help you work through the stress. Walk, run, swim, cycle, lift weights, dance, insert favorite workout here.
5. Connect with others. You are not alone. As humans, we need social connection like plants need sunlight and water. Reach out to your supportive friends or family members (that you get along well with), set up a time in person or via a good long phone call with them, and open up about the joys and difficulties you have in being a mom.
6. Find a parenting podcast or book you like. These can help validate and normalize the difficulties and struggles you’re facing. For a specific episode about mom rage, check out Good Inside podcast with Dr. Becky here. For a hilarious and truthful book, check out How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn here.
7. Set up therapy for yourself and/or as a couple. If you find your rage is too difficult to manage on your own, get help. A trained therapist can assist you in understanding and managing your stress and overwhelm. Couples counseling can also be a good fit to talk about marital issues that may be contributing to your rage.
From one mom to another, I wish you well! In case nobody’s told you lately, you are doing a super hard job and deserve rest, fun and compassion.
