My Teen Tells Me Everything…Right??
If you wish or believe your teen tells you everything, this post is for you. Even the most in-the-loop parents are not getting all of the information of the ins and outs of a teen’s life. And that is normal. Healthy even.
Part of the work of adolescence is preparing to someday live independently. There is a shift for teens as they gravitate towards their peers and away from their family. They are testing out their changing identity and relying on their peers for support, all in efforts to one day fly the nest. The book Brainstorm: The Power and the Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel Siegel does a great job elaborating on this important preparation and growth happening during the teenage years. Check it out here.
For parents, this transition away from the family can be an emotional, but necessary transition. We want our kids to be independent and we also want to hug them tight and keep them safe. You can and should continue to check in with your teen child, especially on topics that might be more vulnerable, like their feelings. But knowing why they may choose to share with friends or even mentors instead of you can ease the insecurity that maybe you’re doing something wrong.
Here are some tips for opening up that ever-closing communication line:
Pick a time when they’re not involved in another activity. If there’s an important discussion to have, tell them, “I know you’re playing your game right now (or insert activity here). What time tonight can we discuss ….?” By choosing another time, you’re sending the message that you value their time and want their collaboration.
Chat them up while driving. When they’re side by side, this can minimize embarrassment because they are not looking right at you. The same goes for doing dishes side by side.
Listen about the small things. Even when a topic may bore you, perhaps you don’t give a fig about Roblox, listen anyway. Then they feel valued enough to open up about other topics.
Build in time for connection and fun. Movie nights, grabbing ice cream, or playing board games or cards together can pave the way for teens to build their bond with you and see you as someone they can trust.
Your teen will be grateful for your efforts at listening, even if they don’t tell you for another ten years.
