Being Supportive vs. Overstepping
As parents, we mean well. We really do. When it comes to our teens, we are eager to watch them tackle life’s challenges with strength and grace. And at the same time we want to protect them fiercely because well, that is our sworn duty as parents.
The struggle for some of us is that we are the ones doing ALL of the tackling while they watch on the sidelines. I understand the impulse. We still see our teens as our precious toddlers learning to walk. I’m reminded of a Gary Allen country song with the lines:
“Scared me to death, when you took your first steps
Well I'd fall every time you fell down
And your first day of school, I cried like a fool, and
I followed your school bus to town.”
Sing it Gary. Their pain is our pain. The dilemma is, when we take on our teen’s problems as our own and try to solve them, they either stop telling us about their problems or cave and let us solve every problem. Then they go to college or start a job, and they don’t know how to tackle at all. Stress and anxiety take over and they just cannot. They quit, miss all of their classes and have a major breakdown that was a decade and eight years in the making.
Now that I’ve painted this worst case scenario, what is the balance between supporting them so they can grow to be resilient vs. overstepping and incapacitating them?
It starts by listening. And only listening. We’ve all been there with our partner or friend. We just wanted to talk about our day and have them nod in agreement and say “Wow that really sucks.” We wanted to vent and didn’t want a 10 page guide handed on how to talk to our boss handed back to us. That’s your teen too. They’re not looking to be told what to do all the time. Just like you, your teen wants to be heard and validated. By listening, you are helping them to trust their instincts and listen to their own voice. They will grow from their mistakes and take on challenges with confidence, all while knowing that you are there cheering them on.
Of course, there are times where you cannot just sit and listen. Where you have to take action immediately after listening. These are the cases where there may be self-harm or danger involved. Take steps to ensure safety. But if your teen, who will be out of the house in just a few years, gets a B, or even a C on a paper, really think before you send that raging 2AM email to their teacher. Your child is watching you solve their problem, but they are the ones needing to put in the effort. Their work in adolescence is learning to solve their own problems with the help of a good listener, like yourself.
To lend support and not overstep, try these tips adapted from The Art and Science of Love by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman next time your teen presents a stressful situation they are dealing with:
Communicate understanding:
“What a bummer, I’d be stressed out too.”Don’t side with the other. Even if you agree with the enemy, empathize with your teen’s emotions.
Ask open-ended questions to aid in understanding:
What is most upsetting to you about this?
What is it that you don’t like about this situation?
What is the worst thing that could happen in this situation?
What is this like for you?
Is there anything I can do to support you in this?
What do you need?
* Only give suggestions or advice if your teen directly asks for them. Otherwise, don’t problem-solve. *
There is no such thing as an overreaction emotionally. Try not to judge your teen’s emotions. And be curious with yourself. Are you trying to give advice that your younger self needed but perhaps your own child does not? Some further self-exploration might help you to heal some old wounds.
As for helping your teen right now, go put your helmet on, GET OUT THERE and just…listen.
